Dying To Be Thin
by Caschjen
Summary: Claudia's been trying to lose weight lately, but when her plan isn't going as she'd hoped, she turns to making herself throw up. But that isn't the only thing that's bothering Claudia it's life. Rated for adult themes.
1. In the beginning

**Author's Note:** So, yeah, another story from me. This time, I'm not going to explain where the idea came from, so you'll just have to guess. It's sort of odd, the whole idea of Claudia becoming belimic, but it's interesting, right?

So, anyway, happy reading!

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I never thought I was fat. People always told me I was too thin and that I was underweight and I needed to gain weight. But I never let it bother me. I knew I was thin, but I always thought that I was overweight. Secretly, of course, because if I'd told someone that, they'd think I was crazy.

I was always the small one of the group. Not to say anyone was fat, I was just a lot smaller for my age. Smaller than them, at least. Everything seemed so big to me, as if it was towering over me and ready to pounce. It always frightened me, yeah, because I was so small and everything was so...so big.

I'd hear every day how much too thin I was, how my cheeks were always puffy, and how I always looked sick. They'd say my smile was meaningless and my eye's had lost their once gleefull spark and that I was depressed. It was always seeming to worry people, and don't get me wrong, I don't like to worry people, but this was going overboard. It was a constant reminder of how I had hurt everyone and how much I had and was hurting myself.

They would talk behind my back. Meanly, saying everything they could to try and trick me into their reverse psychology. (Don't ask how I know that.) I remember almost everything Stacey used to say. Things like "Oh, if you don't stop that, you'll really hurt yourself, Claud." and "If you want to be my friend, then you'd better gain some weight!" It was all a trick. A trick that had been shared between them all. Kristy, Mary-Anne, Mallory, Jessi, and even Dawn was part of it. They would use these things to try and make me go past they're standards and show them how great I could be. Of course, this never worked.

And until that one faithful night long ago that changed everyone's life for good. I never meant to hurt anyone, gosh; I never even knew that I would have had the guts to do what I did. But I did it and I can't change that.

I cannot exactly say that I am proud of what I had done – my past and all – but I knew that, from my family and friend's reactions, that it was the most horrible mistake of my life. I had been so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't take time to notice or think about how it would affect everyone. I was being selfish, and it was a horrible thing of me to do, no one ever expected that from me. No one had any clue as to what I was going through.

So this, I guess, is where my story will begin.

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**Concluding Notes:** Woohoo, great ending, huh? xP Anyway, the whole life story thing of Claudia's condition will be way too long to explain in one chapter, so I'm going to cut it down to few, semi-long chapters. Hope that's okay.

Oh, and I must apologize for it being so short. >. But this was as far as I could get, not really supposed to be on right now, so be happy you're getting anything out of me! I promise everything else with be longer. :3

Cyah, and don't forget to review!


	2. there was hate

**Author's Note**: Wahoo, another update! xP Thanks for the reviews everybody! Personally, I wasn't expecting 6 reviews on a single chapter, seeing as to how I never get that many per chapter. I was surprised, so to say, but also happy that people liked my story.

Anyway, enough of my drabbles, happy reading!

Oh, and **_bold-italic_** is Claudia's conscience, and _italic_ is Claudia talking.

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It all started a year ago, when the new girls had come to the school.

They both seemed nice enough. Tall, blond, skinny; the not-so-athletic looking type, but if they wanted to do it, they could. They looked pretty cool with they're outfits; they're hair was longer than mine and glossier, and, well, it looked like they were so much better than me. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but this whole feeling was new to me. It seemed as if they . . . intimidated me. As if I, nor anyone would live up to their standards.

It's like they were perfect in every single way. Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect skin, perfect height, perfect weight, perfect curves . . . It made me feel so bad. I felt so fat and short around them. I was four times their size and shorter, while they seemed to loom over me like tall, skinny branches...

Skinny...Skinny...Skinny...

That's all I could think about the rest of the day. But then there was another incident that made me feel even worse.

It was at the end of first period when they approached me in the hallway. I didn't know they would want to even talk to someone as short, fat, and ugly as I was, so I was sort of surprised. Anyway, as the one with bronze skin walked up to me, I blushed. She was looking me over, top to bottom, and shaking her head. She looked up at me and grimaced. "You need to lose a few pounds." Her friend laughed.

"Yeah, a few HUNDRED!" She broke out in giggles, as did the other girl.

I'd never been told this, or anything like this for that matter, so I didn't know how to respond. I knew I couldn't yell at them and, personally, I wasn't one for violence, so that cut out hurting them. I also knew that I couldn't cry in front of them, it would make me look dumb, but my eyes had filled with tears already. It didn't exactly hurt but it did at the same time. I knew I was skinny enough...I just did...Didn't I?

That's what I thought when I walked out of school that day. When I had walked down the steps, I met Mary-Anne, Stacey, Kristy, and Dawn. Once they had seen my eyes (They were red and puffy from crying), their expressions turned from happy to see me to overly-concerned.

"Oh, Claudia, what happened?" Mary-Anne asked as she reached out her hand to touch my face.

I jerked away, and couldn't help but notice Mary-Anne's hurt look. It hurt so much to know that I had hurt her, but I didn't seem to care much. "Nothing. I just ran into a wall and bumped my nose."

Kristy looked quizzical. "How could you cry that much if you just bumped your nose?"

I sighed. "My nose is very sensitive, so it made me cry a lot." I looked at my watch and checked the time. 3:45. Great, I could surely come up with an excuse to get out of there.

"Um, guys, I have to go. Janine is supposed to be tutoring me at four o'clock and it's three fourty-five right now. See you!" I lied overenthusiastically as I began to jog home.

They looked sad, but said good-bye and started walking towards the bus.

As I reached home, I stopped to catch my breath. It was only a five minute jog, how could I be so tired? I felt like my heart was going to come up my throat. 'I must really be big...' I thought as I looked down at my bulging stomach.

I sighed and walked into the house. Empty as always. Good, no one would be around and I could do some things without being asked what was wrong with me.

I ran upstairs and dropped my book bag in my room. I walked over to my mirror and looked at myself. _Ugh!_ I felt like I was looking at an over-weight, extremely ugly old lady. My legs were HUGE and my stomach was bulging out over my shorts. My arms must have been twenty pounds then, and my face was just so...so..._Ugly. _

I sat down on my bed as my eyes began to water. I had to think of a way to lose weight, and fast! I couldn't stand looking at myself this way.

I stood up and reached for the books that hid my ding-dongs, but stopped short as a voice in the back of my head started to taunt me.

_**"Junk food is what makes you so fat, Claudia."**_

I blinked, surprised at the voice. _"Who are you?"_ I asked it cautiously.

_**"I'm your conscience, stupid. The person who starts to make you have second thoughts about things. You, as dumb as you are, should know that at least." **_

My eyes narrowed and my fists clenched_. "Excuse me? I am NOT dumb!" _I shot back.

I heard it laugh venomously and could almost feel it smirking. **_"I know a way for you to lose weight quickly and efficiently."_**

I sat down on my bed, somehow twistedly enjoying my conversation with myself. _"How?" _

**_"Make yourself throw up. It works quickly, and will make you look so much skinnier than you are now!"_**

I thought this over for a moment. Throwing up wasn't exactly my thing, because it always left a bad taste in my mouth. But it made you lose weight if you did it enough, right? Maybe it could work for me. Maybe this was the thing I've been looking for. The quick way to lose weight. I was desperate...But was I this desperate? Was I desperate enough to make myself throw up, and risk the chance of someone finding out?...Yes, I was. And I was ready for this, I just knew it.

_"Is it safe?"_ I asked it curiously.

**_"Of course it's safe! If it wasn't, I wouldn't be recommending it to you, now would I?" _**It answered with a hearty laugh.

I shrugged mentally_. "I...guess not...But are you absolutely sure it will work?"_

I could almost feel it nodding. "**_Absolutely positively. You can start whenever you want."_**

I sighed again and stood up, walking to the bathroom. I crouched down on my knees in front of the toilet and thought for a second. Is this the fate I was destined to have? Is the way I should be going?

All these thoughts raced through my mind as I heard that intruding voice again.

_**"Just go ahead and do it, you ditz!"**_

I scrunched up my nose and mentally glared at it. _"But...how?"_ I sounded so dumb...

**_"Stick your finger down your throat until you start gagging. Then pull it out as you start to puke."_**

It sounded so gross…But I did it anyway. I stuck my index finger down my throat until I could literally feel myself gagging. I pulled my finger back quickly and leaned over the toilet as I felt the puke come up my throat and out into the toilet.

I coughed some at the disgusting smell and pulled back, grabbing a towel and wiped my mouth with it. I looked at the toilet to see a gross, orangeish-green-yellow-brown mix of stuff I didn't even know I had in me.

I couldn't stand looking at it any longer, so I flushed it down the toilet and stood up. I walked over to the sink and turned on the faucet and leaned down, washing my mouth out with water. After that I wiped my mouth again and stood back up, looking at myself in the mirror.

I smiled in a happy, sort of twisted way. It looked like this was going to work out after all.

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**Concluding Note's: **So, what do you think? Too detailed? Too morbid? Not enough? Tell me in a review!

R&R peeps!


	3. love

**Author's Note:** Hey people. I'm sorry for the long wait for the update. I've just been really busy and I just got back last night from a trip to Michigan, so I've been really lazy lately. Hope you guys can forgive me.

As always, thank you guys for all the reviews! It's really inspiring to know that people like my story so much. I didn't think it would ever be successful much -- I mean, I know it was a good idea in all, but still. It's giving me more confidence to write because I know that, even though it may not be a fantastic story, people will still read it.

Anyways, enough of my rambles, happy reading!

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My smile remained on my face as I walked back into my room. I don't know why...But this seemed to give me a feeling of control...A control of my weight, that is. It made me feel like for once in my life, I could make my decisions, I could do what I wanted to maintain my weight, I could lose the amount of weight I wanted, without being controlled by someone else in doing so.

You see, my parent's always seem to try to be controlling me. They're always saying, "Claudia, study more and maybe you'd have better grades." Or, "Claudia, if you study half as much as Janine does, you could be as smart as she is." It's like a normal parenting thing to think your kid can be as good as someone else's, right? No. This isn't normal. They force me to study, they force me to do my homework, they force me to do everything in school that I don't want to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and all, but sometimes the pressure is just overwhelming.

It's like they expect me to be as perfect as Janine is. Janine studies, Janine gets fantastic grades, Janine is always active in school, and Janine is always winning awards. She's perfect in every academic and non-academic way. She keeps her room clean all the time, she keeps everything organized and alphabetized, she keeps everything in order. Even though she's not perfect in the beauty department, she's got the brains of Albert Einstein. (Almost, anyway) I guess that if you want to be smart, you've got to give up some things such as beauty or social time. But I can't do that. I care about my appearance too much, and it's ruining my life.

I'm not exactly totally obsessed to the max with my appearance, but it's important to me. I feel I always have to look good, fat or not. I love trying new kinds of clothes with new accessories, and shopping and all of that sweet stuff. Its fun and I don't see how anyone could hate it, but my parents do and so does my sister. I don't understand them and they don't understand me.

I sighed and walked downstairs, thoughts and doubts of what I had just done racing through my mind. I was so deep in thought that I almost tripped over a pair of shoes on the stairs, but I had regained my balance after grabbing onto the railing.

After that incident, I walked into the kitchen, despite the voice in the back of my head screaming to leave that huge, disgusting room that only tempted people into eating and getting fat. But I didn't care. I needed to eat. It was like I felt this empty feeling in myself – not from hunger, but I was hurting. It felt like I was alone and un-needed, and that nobody loved me. I didn't know how to deal with these foreign feelings, but I did know how to fill the emptiness within me: Eating. Eating always made a person feel full, right? Maybe it would help me.

I walked over to the freezer and pulled out a jug of vanilla ice cream, closed the freezer door and then opened the fridge door, pulling out a jar of chocolate sauce, cherries, and whipped cream. I closed the refrigerator door with my foot and set down the items on the counter.

Then, walking over to the cabinet by the sink, I reached up and opened the door, taking out a bowl for myself. I closed that and opened the drawer next to the dishwasher and pulled out a spoon. After I had gotten these things, I walked back over to where I had set my things down and took off the top of the ice cream. I took the spoon and, digging it deep into the jug, took out a rather generous scoop. I dropped that into the bowl and scooped out two more large helpings, then put the top back onto the jug and opened the jar of chocolate sauce. I poured that over the ice cream then lidded it and opened the jar of cherries. I put a few of them on top of the chocolate sauce the finished it off with a mountain of whipped cream.

I smiled as I picked up everything and began to put them back where I had gotten them. After doing so I grabbed my spoon and my bowl and walked into the living room. There, I turned on the TV and sat down, beginning to devour the sundae.

Ten minutes later, I had finished off the sundae. Oddly, I still felt…empty, even though I had just eaten about a thousand calories in one helping, I still didn't feel full. Eating was supposed to help me feel full, and it didn't…

So I stood up, grabbed my bowl and walked back into the kitchen. I washed it out in the sink and put it in the dishwasher. After doing that, I walked over to the pantry and looked around. 'Hmm…So many choices…' I thought for a moment before I grabbed a bag of chips and walked out of the pantry. I walked over to the fridge and opened it, grabbing a can of coke, closed the fridge door and walked over to the counter and opened the jar of chocolate chip cookies. I grabbed about three or four, closed the jar and walked back into the living room.

I sat down on the couch and opened the bag of chips. I took out a few and popped them into my mouth. Grabbing the remote, I began to surf through the channels.

I had just passed something that looked interesting when my attention caught something that looked even more interesting. It was a movie, one of my favorites, actually. It was called "Raise Your Voice". It's a movie about this girl who wants to go to a music school for singing, but her dad doesn't want her to. In the end, she ends up going and her dad finds out.

As the end of the movie neared, I looked down at the bag of chips because I didn't feel anymore in the bag. It's because there WEREN"T anymore in the bag! I gasped lightly and put my fingers on my lips. Had I really eaten a whole bag…? It didn't seem like it, but there was no other logical explanation for it.

I sighed and pushed the bag away. I felt disgusted with my self. I felt disgustingly fat and ugly. I didn't mean to eat so much, but I got so caught up in the movie…Suddenly a thought came to my mind: Had I always eaten when I was spaced out? Is that how I'd gotten so fat?

I sighed and looked down at my stomach. It was bulging! Seriously, when I sat down, it would scrunch up and…_Ugh! _I didn't feel happy with myself. But a minute later, that same voice came back to me.

"_**Man, do you always eat this much?" **_

I blushed, embarrassed. _"Shut up."_ I hissed annoyed.

"_**You know, since you feel all disgusted with yourself in all, you could easily go throw up again."**_

I didn't think of that at first, throwing up, not forcefully, had made me feel better when I was sick. Maybe it would work now…Yeah! It would work. I just knew it would.

Just as I was heading up the stairs, I heard a knock at the door. I froze in mid-step and glared at the door. Who had dared to interrupt me right when I was going to make myself feel happier? Then I remembered the lie at told my friends about Janine tutoring me.

It was then that I started to panic. Thinking quickly, I hurried over to the door and thought of a quick lie and opened the door. It was Stacey.

"Hey, Stace. What do you need?" I asked her, slapping a fake smile onto my face.

She looked over my shoulder, trying to see if anyone was in the house. But I moved over, blocking her path.

"Um, I was walking home from Mary-Anne's house and I noticed there wasn't a car here. It's already five o'clock, wasn't Janine supposed to be tutoring you?"

Oh great. Now she was suspicious. "Oh, um, that. She called and said that she was going to stay at school late to do some studying for a big test, so she couldn't tutor me." I didn't know I could lie so well.

Stacey nodded and smiled. "Can I come in, then?"

I nodded in approval. "Sure thing." I stepped aside to let her come in.

Stacey walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. "So, do you have any homework tonight?"

I walked over to her and sat in the chair beside the couch. "Yeah, a TON!" I guess I was being over-dramatic, because I even stuck out my arms to show just how much.

This made Stacey giggle. "You want to do ours together?"

I thought about it for a moment. I was going to miss out on my opportunity to make myself feel better, but then again, I didn't want to make her suspicious, so I just nodded.

"Let me go get my backpack." I walked over to the front door and grabbed my backpack. Then I walked back over and began to pull my homework out of the bag.

"Did you hear about that girl who killed herself?" Stacey asked me randomly, not looking up from where she was flipping through her homework.

"Which girl?"

"I think her name was Kylie Smith." Stacey replied vaguely.

I recognized that name immediately. "Oh, yeah, isn't she that girl in your math class? The one that…um, cut herself?" I don't know why I was so nervous to say that, but I was. I felt my gut tie up in knots, as if it was a secrets I was about to tell.

Stacey nodded. "Yes. It was on the school announcements. They said she bled to death; her wrists were slit when they found her. Then they gave this long lecture about how cutting and suicide is completely wrong. Then they said that if any of us knew anyone with problems to send them to the counselors."

"Oh…W-Wow….How could cutting yourself do anything?" The stuttering I just didn't understand. The feeling that I had I didn't understand. I felt like I was being accused, of what I don't know. It was like Stacey was trying to get me to admit something…a deep secret.

Stacey seemed to know exactly what to say. "They say that the person who cuts themselves needs some sort of release of stress, and if they don't know how to release it, they turn to cutting themselves; which, they also said, gives them that feeling of release. It's like when they cut all they're problems and stress flows out along side their troubles. It's weird, really, complex also." I thought it was over, but she had more to say. "Most of the time, the cutter hides the fact that they cut even from they're closest family and friends in fear of them being shunned. They hide the marks with long sleeves or pants; depending on where the cuts are."

I nodded, and began scribbling at my homework.

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**Concluding Notes:** Wow…Five pages. xD You guys better appreciate this! Longest chapter for this I've ever written.

Enjoy, and review if you wish!


	4. temptation

**Author's Note:** Alright! -pumps fist in the air- Another chapter! However, I must apologize for the long awaited update! I've been busy with school and softball that I simply haven't had time or much inspiration to write this. But now, it's here, so have fun with it. Also, if anyone actually reads these things, if you have an idea, please suggest it! I need some good ideas for this story, as I do not certainly know where everything is going to go. Thanks if you do!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the BSC, p y s k e . o g (spaced to keep it in here, put an R between O and G.

Anyway, enough of me, happy reading!

* * *

Stacey and I had just finished our homework when I heard two cars pull up in the driveway. My parents were home, as well as Janine, who my mother had driven home from school.

Stacey was standing up and heading towards the door after she'd packed up all her stuff, and I was walking her to the door as well. Janine, my mom, and my dad walked in when we reached the door. They were all excited and all three of them had grins on their faces.

I saw my mom open her mouth to speak, but something inside myself made me interrupt her. "Mom, what's all the excitement about?" I asked with a bit of annoyance in my voice. Where in the WORLD was this attitude coming from? I'd never had an attitude this bad. I mean, I had some bad days, but never this bad...

My mother glared at me and dusted off non-existant dust on her beige jacket. She cleared her throat and looked me straight in the eye, "Your sister has won yet another award, so we were going to go out to eat to celebrate." She glanced at Stacey, who was standing beside me. "Would you like to join us, Stacey?"

Stacey quickly shook her head but smiled. "No, thank you. My mother wanted me home by 7, anyway, so I'm gonna go. 'Bye, Janine, Mrs. Kishi, Mr. Kishi, Claudia!" Stacey said as she walked out the door and down the drive, out of sight.

I heard my dad clear his throat in his most manly manner. "Ahem...Claudia, where did that attitude of yours come from?"

I tried to act as innocent as I could, by lying. "What attitude?" I asked in a somewhat playful manner.

He looked down on me as I was a little field rat and he was a huge stalk of corn. "The way you rudely interrupted your mother." He said as he motioned with his head over to my mom.

I laughed nervously and clasped my hands together behind my back. "Oh, that. I'm sorry. I was just so eager to hear what everyone was so excited about, I just couldn't hold back." That was a lie and my conscience knew it.

_**"You are THE worst liar on the face of this whole freaking planet!"**_

Not quite registering the fact that this was me talking to myself in my head, a confused expression etched its way onto my face. "What?" I asked aloud, and as soon I said it all eyes were on my.

"What was that?" My mother asked, looking t me suspiciously.

"Nothing!" I said quickly, trying to change the subject. "What about the restaurant?"

My mom still looked suspicious, but she let it go. "We were thinking of going to that new Chinese restaurant downtown in about ten minutes."

I forced a plastic smile onto my face, pretending to be happy about going out to eat when I was just about to go dump out what I had in my stomach into the toilet. "That sounds fantastic, mom! I'll go get ready!" With that I ran up the stairs and into my room.

Ten minutes later, I came down in a totally cute outfit: Hot pink lace Capri leggings, a black short nylon skirt, a stretchy white and black striped top, pink dangly feather earrings, a black and white set of bangles, and black sandals. My mom looked at me disapprovingly when she saw me, but let it go. After that, we all went outside, got into the car, and drove off into the currently setting sun.

An hour-in-a-half later, we were finally come, stomachs full and all. Of course, I'd eaten WAY too much at the restaurant. I mean, a bowl of ice cream, two egg rolls, some crab-legs and a bit of jello, and I felt like a whale. A huge beach whale.

As you might have assumed, I ran straight up to my bathroom, but not after kissing my parents goodnight. I turned on the shower, as to conceal the sound of barfing, leaned over the toilet, put my finger down my throat, and let everything I just ate come up in a green-brown-orangeish mix of lumps.

I flushed the toilet and stood up, looking at myself in the mirror. I still felt fat; I wasn't satisfied. And looking in the mirror at my disgusting face made me want to die. Suddenly, when I moved my hand, I felt a sharp sting on my finger. I instantly felt blood roll down my index finger in which was cut, and looked down, only to see a purple razor sitting as innocently as possible with a small blood puddle next to it.

I brought my finger up to my face and watched intently as blood poured from the small, accidental wound. It was almost enchanting, the red blood leaking out through pink, torn flesh. It didn't hurt, actually, and it sort of felt…good. I don't really know how to explain it to you, but the sensation made my blood run cold but made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside at the same time.

Slowly being drawn to the feeling, I picked up the razor and pressed my finger against the sharp, steel blade and slid it across, letting the metallic metal slice through the tanned skin of my finger. Before I could stop myself, I threw my head back and let out a small moan at the new feeling. After this, I stopped and looked at myself. I was moaning from pain. This was totally wrong, and yet it felt so right.

Sighing, I un-dressed, picked up the razor and stepped into the steaming hot shower. The hot water beating down on my shoulders made me shudder at the sudden contact, but was pleasurable nonetheless. I looked down at the razor in my hands and the cuts on my fingers, and an idea popped into my head: If it felt this good for my fingers, couldn't it work if I were to cut somewhere else?

Nodding to myself, I pressed it to the bronze side of my left forearm and moved the blade slowly across my arm, leaving a trail of rich, dark red blood in its path. I repeated this three more times, loving every moment of it, but I was forced to stop as the bleeding was being so persistent. Although this gave me a good scare, I was able to stop the bleeding after a while, and began to wash my body and my hair.

After I got out, I dried myself with a towel, wrapped it around me and walked to my room, concealing the cuts as I went. I quickly dressed in baggy neon-pink sleeping shorts and a long sleeved purple sweatshirt. I brushed my long, thick, silky black hair, dried it, and tied it with a hair elastic and plopped down on my bed. I sighed and pulled the blanket over me, wondering if anyone would care about what I was doing to myself. After a while of thinking, I suppose my mind just shut down, because all I could remember was blackness.

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**Concluding Notes:** Well, what do you think? I have to apologize if it's a bit too detailed in the gory scenes, but it's so much fun to write them.

R&R People!


	5. surprises

Author's Note: I looked at the stats for this story, and it said there were more than 1800 views on this story, so here's my question: If I have so man views on this story, why don't I have as many reviews? I know I have a lot of reviews as it is, but please, to whoever reads this story, drop a review. I need constructive criticism!

Disclaimer: I do not own p s y k e . o r g, Casting Crowns or their songs, Neosporin, or anything BSC related, or Chrysler.

Claudia's P.O.V.

"OW!" I yelled as I felt a sharp pain in my left arm. I opened my eyes to see that I was lying on the floor, on my back, with a bloody sweatshirt sleeve. Oh crap, I thought to myself, the cuts opened up again... I sat up and pulled up my sleeve, just to see the four wounds I inflicted upon myself bleeding freely. For a moment I sat there, gazing at the beauty of the liquid that kept me alive. I reached down and touched the sticky, dark red juices, wincing as my fingers brushed an open cut. My hand rested there for a moment as I tried to enjoy the moment, but a thought kept bugging me. This feeling... what I was doing, it felt so right, but at the same time, it felt so very wrong. Was it wrong? Was it so wrong that I had to feel sick with myself because I have began to cut myself? I know for a act that my parents would never approve of this, nor Janine, or any of my friends, for that matter. The thing was, they just wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand what I was doing, or why I was doing it. They wouldn't, they just wouldn't...

I was brought out of my thoughts as I heard a loud knocking on my door.

"Claudia, if you're going to take a shower, you'd better do it now. Yoonlhave an hour and thirty minutes before you have to leave," It was my mom, so I jerked off my sweatshirt and quickly changed, so my mom wouldn't see the sweatshirt and the blood on its sleeve, I threw it under my bed, hoping that nobody would come in my room being sneaky.After I hid the sweatshirt, I ran to the door and towards the bathroom yelling, "Okay mom!" and slammed the door, on purpose, of course.

Once I was close to the sink, I turned on the water, waiting for it to warm up as I pulled off the green sweatshirt I'd changed into. I looked at my arm, which was coated in a thick sheet of red, and shook my head, as if I was disapproving of what I'd done. Of course, I wasn't, because it was what made me feel better. Reaching my hand down, I felt the temperature of the water. Good, it's warm, I thought to myself as I lowered my blood-covered forearm under the warm water. I shut my eyes tightly, clenching my fists in pain, which lead the cuts to bleed ore, so I let my left hand go limp but my right hand kept its position.

Once all the blood was washed away, I removed all my clothes, climbed into the shower and began to wash myself. As I did so, my thoughts wandered off on their own. When I was done bathing and I was dried off, I walked into my room and looked for something to wear. Hmm... I thought as I looked through my wardrobe. As I was looking, I spotted the perfect top in the back of the wardrobe. It was a black, long-sleeved sweater type shirt that hung off my right shoulder. Picking it up, as well as snatching a black and purple striped pair of thigh-high stockings and a short black jean skirt, I walked over to my jewelry box, which was on my dresser, and took out three bangles. Three purple, and three black. Next, I opened one of the drwaers in my dresser and puled out a black fishnet glove. Setting the clthes and accessories down on my bed, I walked over to my closet, leaned down, and pulled out a pair of black converse shoes and walked ack to my bed. Letting my towel drop to the floor, I began to put on my clothes. After I was done, I put Neosporin on my cuts, bandaged them, and then covered the bandage with my sleeve. I looked at my clock to see what time it was and gagged. It was 8:45, and my first class started at 9:05. (A/N: I'm just guessing what time the bus comes, because I haven't been to a public school in four years) If I was going to make it, I had to leave now. And I have to be quick about it, so I grabbed my backpack and rushed down the stairs, and ran towards the door, but my father stopped me.

"Claudia," He called from the kitchen, with a hint of authority in his voice. "Come eat breakfast," _No!_ I wanted to scream, _I don't have the freaking time for breakfast! _But I knew I couldn't say that, because then I'd get grounded, so it came out like this,

"Dad! I can't, or I'm going to miss the bus!" I could almost feel him giving my mom one of those looks he always gives people when he's frustrated.

"All right, go then. You don't want to be late," There was disappointment in his voice, but I didn't care. I walked out the door and thought to myself, I didn't really need to eat anything anyway, despite the growling my stomach gave off. I wasn't allowed to eat, either. I was way too fat as it was and calories were the last things I needed at the moment.

Walking down the driveway, I turned right and walked until I reached the bus stop. I didn't feel like walking to school that day; I felt completely exhausted, like I hadn't slept in a long time. But, waiting at the bus stop for me was Stacey, who turned and smiled at me, waving for me to hurry up. Even so, I didn't pick up my pace. I wasn't really in the mood to see Stace. There were just too many things going through my head to have room for her. 

"Hey, Claud, something wrong?" Staced asked me, her ocean blue eyes glazed over with concern.

I shook my head and replied with a simple, "No," But apparently, Stacey didn't believe me, because I soon felt the weight of her hand on my shoulder I looked over at her, giving her a questioning glance, and saw true concern etched into her tanned features.

"Claudia, something is wrong. Why don't you tell me?" Stacey asked again.

Now that was a true friend. She knew when I was lying and when I was hurting, without even telling her. I was so lucky to have a friend like her.

"Stacey, nothing is wrong with me, okay?" I said quietly, staring at the ground. "I'm just tired. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Okay...," Stacey said, just as the bus pulled up.

We both climbed into the large, yellow, smelling contraption and found a seat near the back. Ugh, I thought to myself, staring out the window as we started towards the school, My arm is hurting. I really hope they're not opening again. I was, as usual, referring to the cuts on my arm. I didn't need anyone finding out about the one day after I did them. If someone did, then I'd really be pathetic.

The bus stopped to pick up a few more kids at two more random spots, and by that time, it was 8:56. As the bus stopped in front of the school, I stood up and tried to fight my way through the crowd of kids in the isle between the two rows of seats. I nearly screamed as I felt someone slap my forearm. I looked up and saw a boy with the most beautiful forest green eyes. He had short, light brown hair and looked to be around 5'8. I looked at his middle, and knew that he worked out because he had nice looking, tanned, muscled arms. God, he is FINE! I thought to myself, tearing my eyes away from his chest and back to his face.

"Oh, sorry about that!" He said as we tried to push our way through the crowd of kids. "I thought it was someone else," He got pushed ahead of me, and I heard him yell something about meeting him ouside the bus. Soon enough, I was out of the bus and he was standing by the fountain in front of the school. I walked over to him, unsure if he really told me to come meet him, but I was reassured when he looked at me and smiled.

"Hey, sorry about hitting you in there, I was trying to get someone else,"

God his smile was gorgeous.

I smiled back, showing my pearly-white teeth. "It's okay, it didn't hurt that bad," Fat chance.

He laughed and leaned back onto the edge of the fountain. "Oh really, the look on your face sure didn't agree with you!"

I could feel the blush creeping onto my cheeks as I looked down at the ground. "I guess so…,"

"Hey, I didn't mean for that to make you embarrassed. I thought it was funny," He said gently, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I looked up at him and smiled again, this time without my teeth. "Who's embarrassed?" I was being really bold, and I didn't know where it was coming from.

He laughed again and le his hand fall down his side. "Look, I know this is sudden and all, but do you have anything to do tonight?"

What the…was he trying to ask me out? Ask ME out? Fat, short, little old ME? This couldn't be happening. He must be asking someone behind me... but if he was he wouldn't be looking at me...

"N-no, not that I know of," I said, shakily. It was something about his eyes... It was like they could see into my soul. Too creepy.

"Awesome! You want to go out?" He asked, giving me another one of his dazzling smiles.

"Sure," I said, adjusting my bag. "I'd like that. What time do you want to meet and where?"

He laughed…again, and looked at me with sparkles in his green eyes.

"No, no. I'll pick you up at around 7:00 in my car. How does that sound?"

He has a car? That means he must be sixteen or seventeen… But nonetheless, I replied with a smal "Okay," and looked at my watch. Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh. It was already 9:15, and my first period English class had started ten minutes ago. If I didn't hurry, I'd get detention.

"Ohmigawsh, I'm late!" I yelled, starting to run into the building.

"Meet me at the fountain after school and I'll give you my address!"

**_Later That Day_**

I walked out of the building with a sigh, heading towards the water fountain where... God, I agreed to go on a date with this guy and I don't even know his name. Smart, Claud, I thought as I neared the fountain.

Standing there, in all is gorgeous glory, was the guy I'd met earlier.

"Hey!" He cried, pushing through the mass crowd of people to get to me.

I plastered a smile on my face and waved to him. I quietly wonder if he noticed any cracks in the plastic.

"Hello," He repeats, finally making his way over to me.

"Hi," And the smile just keeps widening. "Look, I feel really silly about this, but I didn't even catch your name back there...so, I'm Claudia Kishi,"

He smiles, warmly. "Brett Emerson," He holds out his hand and I take it, tightening my own hand around his and taking in its warmth.

"There's another thing I didn't get: How old are you?" I ask, tossing a long black lock behind my shoulder.

"I'm sixteen," Three years. It's not that bad. "And you?"

I began to panic. I couldn't tell him I'm only thirteen. "Fifteen. I'm fifteen," It came out faster than I could try to hold it back.

"Okay," He leaned against the fountain, propping himself up with his hand. "What's your address?"

I let my bookbag slip off my shoulder and I unzipped it, reaching in a pulling out a notebook and a pen. I quickly write my home address and the number to my private line on it, then tear it and hand it to him. "There,"

"Thanks," He takes the paper from my hand and folds it, then crams it into his pocket. "We can talk more tonight, I need to go,"

"All right. See you tonight!" This time, the enthusiasm isn't fake. I finally have something to look forward to. Finally.

"Claudia! Claudia!" I turn to where the voice is coming from and there's Stacey, running towards me and trying to fight her way through the crowd. She eventually reaches me, breathless, and I'm forced to wait so she can breath. I'm no bitch or anthing, but it seems as if I'm not too patient anymore.

"Guess what!" Stacey cries, jerked upwards from her kneeled-over position.

I put a hand on my hip and try not to act too snotty. "What?"

Stacey reaches into her pocket and pulls out two tickets. "My dad got me two tickets for a U4ME concert!"

My mouth drops open and I can't help myself. "Oh my gosh, are you serious!"

Stacey's smile couldn't be much bigger. "Yes!"

"This is great! When is it?" I ask, excitedly.

"Tonight in New York at 7 PM," Stacey replies.

Great. Just great. "Oh, um, Stacey..." I say uncertainly. "I...can't go, I have a date,"

Stacey's face contorts into that of sadness and confusion. "But...Claud...This is a once in a lifetime experience. I can't go without you. Please?"

I sigh, irritably. "Stacey, I'm really sorry, but you would ditch me and a concert for a hot guy. You're no better than me," And with that, I stalk off, quickly. I don't even bother to look back as I begin the long walk home. I feel so weird, like I don't even know who I've become anymore. I wouldn't have said that to Stacey a few weeks ago, no matter how much truth it held, and now... I don't even feel any regret. And I'm mad at myself for it.

When I get home, I head straight to my room. I drop my bag on the floor next to my bed and head towards the bathroom. It's only four o'clock, but it can take me a long time to get ready.

When I'm in the bathroom, I turn on the radio. It's on some Christian station, and a song catches my attention.

_Is there anyone that fails?  
Is there anyone that falls?  
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?  
Cause when I take a look around_

_Everybody seems so strong  
I know they'll soon discover  
That I don't belong  
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay_

_If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too  
So with a painted grin, I play the part again  
So everyone will see me the way that I see them_

The beat of the song is appealing and I don't move to change the station as I begin stripping myself of my clothes. I take off my lower garmets, my shirt, my jewelry, and my bra and let them drop to the floor. The only thing covering me now are the bandages on my arm, which are halfway bled-through.

_Are we happy plastic people  
Under shiny plastic steeples  
With walls around our weakness  
And smiles to hide our pain_

_But if the invitation's open  
To every heart that has been broken  
Maybe then we close the curtain  
On our stained glass masquerade_

_Is there anyone who's been there  
Are there any hands to raise  
Am I the only one who's traded  
In the altar for a stage_

I begin slowly peeling off the pink bandages, cringing as my cuts are revealing to the fresh air. I throw the bandages in the wastebasket and carefully examine my forearm. It's pink around the cuts, and it's crusty because of the dried blood. They look deep, deeper than I meant them to be, and it hurts. A lot. A tear slowly slips down my cheek and I quickly move to wipe it away. Claudia Kishi can handle this. A few deep cuts won't make me cry.

I look up into the mirror and stare at myself. Even behind all this makeup, I feel too open. I feel so exposed, besides the fact that I'm naked, and so... I don't know how to describe it. All I know is that I'm going through a stage. Yes, a stage is all this is. This won't go on for too long, it's just a phase. Right?

Even so, I cannot force myself to believe these words. I can't say exactly why they're wrong, it just... feels wrong. I sigh and shake my head, turning the red nob on the shower and watching intently as hot water pours down from overhead, like a waterfall. Right as I step in and close the curtain, I hear the last few stanzas of the song.

_The performance is convincing  
And we know every line by heart  
Only when no one is watching  
Can we really fall apart_

_But would it set me free  
If I dared to let you see  
The truth behind the person  
That you imagine me to be_

_Would your arms be open  
Or would you walk away  
Would the love of Jesus  
Be enough to make you stay?_

That song... There was something about it. Something so familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I felt anger boil up inside of me and I raised my fist, smacking it against the cream-colored tile and crying out in exasperation. Then I straighten, opening my palm in front of my face and stare at it. I just sit there and stare until I hear a knock on the bathroom door.

"Claudia?" It was my mother. "Is everything all right in there? I heard a scream,"

I stick my head out of the curtain so she can hear me. "Yeah, mom, everything's fine! I just slipped,"

"All right," I heard her footsteps disappear down the hall and I duck back into the shower, thankful for the hot water pouring down on my body. I grabbed a bottle of orange, peach-scented shampoo and poured some on top of my head, then used my fingers to lather it in. I scrub my scalp harshly for a few minutes before washing it out, then I repeated the process with the conditioner. I washed my face and my body, then turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a light purple towel an wrapping it around myself. I dry myself off, being extra careful with my forearm, and then quickly sprint to my room, where I shut the door and lock it.

I walk over to my desk and jiggle the mouse to my desktop computer, awakening it from its sleep. On the screen, an Instant Message pops up.

**newyorkbabe1738:** hey claudia! what was up with u at skewl today? y do u want to ditch me for some guy? and what did u mean by what u said?

I sighed. Stacey. Why couldn't she just leave me alone?

**artsygurl1324:** look, i really ment what i said earliar, stacey. y cant u jest leve me alone about it!

**newyorkbabe1738: **so u think id give up a concert w/u for a hott guy?

**artsygurl1324: **yes and u now its true.

**newyorkbabe1738:** i am appalled, claudia. y do u think sooo lowly of me?

**artsygurl1324:** y shouldnt i! u now how u r! jest leve me alone! i dont want to speek to u anymore ok!

_**artsygurl1324 has just signed off.**_

I sigh and close the conversation, but an add catches my eye. There's a picture of a razorblade on it and it says,

_Self Injury Information And Support. _

_You need help? We have it._

Curious, I click on it, and it takes me to a red-and-white homepage. I look around a bit. Nothing too fancy. I click on pictures, click the "E" link in the alphabet, and it takes me to a page with a bunch of names and screennames. I click on a folder with the name "Emelie" under it and I gasp at what I see. It's a girl's arm with...countless cuts on it, an blood all other it.

Images of my own arm flash into my mind as I hurry and close the window, and let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. I shake my head, trying to push the thoughts out of my head and head over to my closet. I choose a simple jean mini-skirt with black leggings, pink ballet slippers, a baby pink silk tank top, and a short black vest with a few buttons on it. For accessories I choose a few black bangles and a silver chain necklace. Then I spray some sweet-smelling perfume on my chest and wrists and look into my mirror, checking out my outfit. I look fat, but it will have to do for tonight.

Scowling, I walk over to my dresser and pick up my hairdryer, then I begin the long struggle of drying my hair. When I'm finished, I use my hair-straightener to straighten, then curl my hair and let it fall freely around my shoulders. I put on foundation, a bit of pink eyeshadow, and the tiniest bit of blush and look at my reflection, just as the doorbell rings. I glance at the clock hurriedly, and it's 6:58. My eyes widen and I grab my purse, then rush down the stairs to the door, where Brett is standing in front of my mother.

"Claudia, would you mind telling me who this is?" My mom asks me, motioning towards Brett.

"Oh, him," I giggle shyly and walk up to the two of them. "Mom, this is Brett. Brett, this is my mom," They both shake hands and exchange smiles. My mother doesn't look too happy.

"Sorry for not warning you about my date tonight, mom, I lost track of time," I whisper quickly to her, before walking out with Brett. "Bye mom!" And we climb into his car. It's an amazing cherry red Chrysler Sebring Convertible. I bet he looks like a God in it.

"Oh, Brett...," I say, at loss for words. Brett laughs and opens the passenger door for me, and I climb in.

When he's in, he starts the car and puts the air-conditioning on, then we both latch our seatbelts.

"So, where do you want to go?" I ask him, suddenly nervous.

"What about a movie? There's a new horror film showing. I heard it was supposed to be good,"

"All right, a movie it is." And we're off.


	6. anger

**Author's note:** Ah! Very sorry for the long awaited update! Haven't had much inspiration or motivation to start writing, but I finally got it back. Thanks for reading and hopefully leave a review on what you think!

Also, look on my profile. Something surprising there.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own BSC.

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The time seems to fly by and just as quickly as we had run out the door of my house, we were sitting in the theater waiting for our movie to start. We had chosen to see something called An American Haunting. It wasn't usually my type of movie, since it was a horror film and all, but Brett said he had heard some good reviews on it and wanted to try it out for himself, so here we were.

The movie itself didn't look half as interesting as Brett had made it out to be. Some girl finds an old doll her mother was trying to hide from her in the attic, and an evil spirit gets awakened and all hell breaks loose. Nothing too bad, but I would have rather have been at the U4ME concert. Which reminded me of Stacey and our fight. I never really meant to be so harsh, but I said what I thought was true. Stacey is boy CRAZY... She is a good friend, but I, personally, thought she would have taken the date.

And then the whole idea of my and Brett's date came into mind. He was three years older than me, which I didn't find to be that big of a difference, however, what would I do if my parents found out about it? They surely would never let me date anyone three years older than me, no matter how much I happened to beg. It seemed fine with me, but parents these days...

It wasn't that I wasn't appreciative of what my parents always taught me. If it wasn't for them I never would have made it through eighth grade, what with all the forced study habits they so kindly gave to me. I knew they were all good intentions and everything, but sometimes they were just too much.

Hold on a second, what am I saying? My parents are fantastic, and I know they wouldn't let me date Brett because they don't want me to get hurt. I didn't even know if they would let me date him, or if they would ever even KNOW about him... Maybe I would keep this relationship a secret. Not just from my parents, but from my friends too. I didn't want them to think too lowly of me, and I didn't want them to talk me out of it either, because I was just crazy about Brett, even though I had only known him for a couple of hours. He was amazingly gorgeous and had the most dreamy eyes... How could I NOT say yes to him?

Just as my thoughts began to intensify, I felt a gentle hand on my arm. I looked to my right to see Brett looking at me with those amazing green eyes.

I melted.

"The movie is over, Claudia," He said this as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Had I really zoned out for the whole thing?

I suppose I did because the lights came on and people started shuffling out of the place. I stood up, grabbed my bag and followed Brett out of the theater and back into his car, where he turned on the heat (it was getting a little cool that evening) and a little bit of music. He looked at me and smiled that amazing smile of his.

"So,would you like to go somewhere and get something to eat while we're still out, Claudia?" He asked me, his hand creeping over to settle down on my knee.

"Um, no, but thank you for asking, Brett. I ate before I came, and I'm still pretty full," Lies. All lies. I never ate before I came, but I wasn't allowed to eat, anyway.

He looked a little disappointed, but he turned and his hand left my leg, instead going to rest on the steering wheel.

"So I guess I'll take you home then," It wasn't really a question, but it wasn't really a normal sentence, either.

I nodded and looked over at him as he used his right hand to start the car and then let it rest on the steering wheel again as we began to leave the parking lot.

In no time, we were back at my house. Most of the windows were dark, save for the living room light, which was rarely ever left on... My parents were probably still up and waiting for me. I checked my watch and let out a small sound when I realized what time it was. It was almost 9 and I still wasn't in.

It wasn't really the fact that I was home an HOUR before my curfew, which was ten, but that I was out on a school night with a sixteen-year-old, hormonal teenage boy. That was what my parents were worried about. But what could I have done with him? My parents should trust me more than to stay up until I come home, and they should trust me not to do anything stupid, like doing drugs or drinking.

Of course, at that time I didn't know how wrong I was.

But anyway, Brett stopped the car in front of my house and we both got out. He walked me to the door and wrapped me in a hug.

"Thanks for coming with me tonight, Claudia. I had a great time," He smiled again. I swear, that smile...

I hugged him back and smiled up at him. "It was a pleasure," I said dramatically, throwing my hands up and rolling my head, exaggerating when I said "pleasure".

He laughed at me and planted a small kiss on my forehead. "You alright from here?"

"I SHOULD be," I said, giggling. "My room isn't that far away,"

He laughed and began to walk down the driveway. "I'll call you sometime this week!" And with that, he was gone.

I smiled in contentment and opened the door, only to suddenly be bombarded by question from my parents. And Janine was there too.

"Where have you BEEN, young lady?" My mother demanded, her once warm dark brown eyes gazing sharply at me.

I held my hands up in front of myself defensively, taking a small step backwards after I had closed the door. "I still have an hour before curfew, what are you talking about?"

"We're talking about you going out with a boy on a school night, us not knowing WHERE in the world you could be and coming home as if nothing had happened!" My mom continued, flapping her hands about wildly to add to her point.

"Mom!" I shouted, my scream matching that of hers. "I didn't DO anything! Brett just took me to a movie and we came home! NOTHING happened!"

My mother sat in a stunned silence for a moment, before slowly walking up to me and wrapping her slim arms around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Claudia. You've just never... I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry, honey," Her hug was warm, and she smelled of vanilla. It gave me little comfort.

I sighed and hugged her back. "It's okay, mom. I'm sorry for not telling you where I was going... But can I go to bed now? I'm exhausted,"

She nodded and kissed me on my forehead, right where Brett had. "Yes, honey. Goodnight,"

"'Night," I said and jogged up the stairs. When I got up there, I was a little out of breath and as I dropped on my bed, thoughts swarmed my mind. The cutting, the starvation plan I had for myself... Could I really go through with it? I didn't know.

But at the time, I didn't really know how serious it would become. That is, until now.


	7. chaos

I'm really sorry about not updating for a couple of months. I've been very, very busy with softball and school and everything that I simply haven't had the time nor the inspiration. However, I do feel that I owe everyone here this chapter, so here you go. (: Happy reading everybody.

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The morning rays of sun entered my room much too soon for me and just as quickly as I had fallen asleep did it feel like I woke up. Sighing, I rolled out of bed, and everything came rushing back to me in a hoard of thoughts. Brett, cutting, the starvation.. I wanted to forget it all. I wanted to badly to go back to the way it all was before. Before Brett, before the cutting, before starving myself.. I couldn't, however. No matter how badly I wanted to, it could never be forgotten. I could never go back to how I was before.. it's too late now.

Looking back at how everything began, I just want to smack myself and I wonder, why did I ever start this? Was it because I was curious, or maybe I wanted true release, but there was nothing to relieve myself of. My life was perfect.. I had the best friends anyone could ask for, my family, however tough they may be, I knew loved me, and even though my grades weren't the best, I tried to do the best I could. If I could have one wish, I would go back and change it all. Change the day I told Stacey she could come over, change my mentality, change the affect those girls had on me. Although at the time, even if I did go back, it would all still have the same affect, on me, simply because I didn't know any better.

In the midst of all this deep thinking, my stomach growled and I instinctively reached under my pillow and pulled out a mini Twix bar. I unwrapped it and at the last second, right before I bit into it, I stopped; completely froze. I lowered my hand down until it rested softly on my lap. I stared at the Twix bar deeply, just stared at it. Was it really worth the calories? Was this tiny little chocolate bar worth the guilt I knew I would be feeling if I ate it?

Before I knew what I was doing, I brought my hand to my mouth and bit into the soft caramel. My eyes rolled back into my head in pleasure; I hadn't eaten a Twix in a couple of days and it was more heaven on earth than anything I'd ever felt before.

After I finished off the Twix, I reached under and into my pillow case and pulled out four more. I devoured them with feverish, jerky movements until all that was left were the wrappers. In a daze, and with a stomach ache, I stared down at the wrappers and hot, fat tears filled my eyes and fell onto my legs. My short, fat legs.. how could I have done this? How could I have eaten all of that candy, even though I knew what the outcome would be?

_**You know what you have to do, Claudia. **_

That voice.. that voice was back. I hadn't heard it in days, and it was back. Taunting me. Torturing me with the truth. To be honest, I did know what I had to do... but I didn't want to accept it. It didn't become a reality, what I had to do, until that voice spoke the words I had been dreading to hear.

With more hot tears spilling down my cheeks, I stood and began my walk to the bathroom. I held my head down in an attempt to hide my tears with my hair, from whoever may have been looking. I arrived at the bathroom safely, without seeing any of my family yet, and shut and locked the door. I walked over to the counter and switched on the radio to hide the sounds of my gagging.

Wearily, I walked over to the toilet and dropped to my knees, pushing up the top a little to eagerly. I stared into the water and saw my reflection. I hesitated before I stuck my finger down my throat. Deeper and deeper into my throat until I felt my finger hit my gag reflexes and jerked my finger back, dripping with spit, to hold back my hair as the flood of what I had just eaten, including last night's dinner, spilled into the toilet.

I coughed violently for a moment, the vile taste of vomit still lingering in my mouth. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. My face.. did I really still have baby fat? No.. it couldn't be baby fat. I'm thirteen and too sophisticated for baby fat. It was real fat.. fat from the candy and junk food I constantly insisted on eating. More hot tears spilled down my cheeks, dropping down onto the bathroom counter.

"I hate you..," I whispered angrily into the mirror, staring at my reflection.

I wiped the tears from my face and walked over to the shower and turned on the water, and in without thinking I grabbed the razor from the small shelf on the shower wall and sat down on the toilet, pulling up my long sleeved shirt. I stared at the cuts from a couple of days before and before I knew what I had done, I began to cut. One, two three.. nothing. I could feel nothing and a complete feeling of numbness overcame me. In a fit of rage, the tears multiplying, I quickly carved the word "whore" into my forearm, on a patch of skin that had yet to be cut. Blood was by now running down my arm, dripping from my finger tips onto the pure, white tile, tainting it. The contrast of red on white was beautiful and soon, I overturned my arm and let the enchanting red liquid drip from my cuts onto the floor. The blood on the tile and my tears mixed in was.. beautiful. I loved it. It was mesmerizing.. but I kept staring. I stared at my arm as the blood dripped full force from the cuts, completely entranced by the sheer beauty of it all..

I abruptly jerked my head up and pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on my tanned knees. I stared at the puddle and began to shake, the tears coming harder than they had before.

"I'm so sick..," I whispered, my shoulders shaking uncontrollably. "So, so sick..,"

Knowing I had school to get ready for, I somehow managed to pull myself together and I stepped into the shower, the hot water scalding the skin on my back. With a sharp in take of breath as the hot water reached my cuts, I turned the water down so it was colder and began washing my hair.

I winced as the soap got into the cuts on my arm, burning them to no end. I washed the soap out of them and turned the water off and climbed out, drying off my hair with a towel and with a sharp realization, I remembered the blood. It was still there, and I quickly cleaned it up with toilet paper. Flushing the toilet I opened the door, keeping my arm pressed tightly against my side. Once in my room, I shut and locked the door and let the towel drop. I walked to my closet and retrieved a pair of white capris and a black short leaved shirt. Pulling my underwear and bra on, I pulled on the size 4 capris and the tiny black shirt and walked over to my dresser. I dried my hair and put some curlers on the ends.

While my hair was curling, I put on foundation, blush and eyeliner. Before I put anything else on, I walked over to my nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out Neosporin, gauze and medical tape.. I rubbed the Neosporin into my cuts and wrapped the gauze around my forearm, taping it down with the medical tape.

Satisfied, I walked over to my dresser and pulled a black and white striped armwarmer out of one of the drawers and placed it on my left arm. I pulled about fifteen red bangles out of my jewelry box and pulled them on over the armwarmer. Next, I pulled a pair of black and white striped thick hoop earrings and placed one in each ear.

Afterwards, I pulled the curlers out of my hair and set them back in their respective place. I brushed my long, black, silky hair and curled it inwards with my brush. Staring back at my appearance.. as good as some people might think I look, I looked like a total cow. I was a pig and there was nothing you could say to me that would change my mind.

Forcing back my tears, I pulled on a pair of black sandals and raced out the door, grabbing my backpack along the way and waving my parents goodbye.

When I arrived at school, I had gotten off of the bus and walked towards the entrance. In my hurry (I wanted to grab a honey bun and orange juice from the cafeteria, that's why I got there a bit early), I ran into someone, or something, and fell backwards, landing sharply on my backpack. I opened my eyes and looked at the thing – or person, I had run in to. She had long, brown hair that ended at her waist and her dark brown eyes were loaded with eyeliner and red eye shadow, even more than I was wearing. She had on a black, skin tight tank top and black capris, with black and red converse on her feet.

I jumped to my feet and offered her a hand. She gave me a half-smile and accepted my hand. I pulled her up and helped her pick up her books. I handed each one carefully to her, checking them for any damage.

"I'm really sorry about that; I guess I was in too much of a hurry," I explained shortly, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"Got that damn right," She replied with a cocky smirk. "What's your name sweetie?"

"Um, Claudia, " I replied. After all I had done to myself, I still couldn't handle people swearing in front of me.

"You have some nice style, Claudia. My name's JT," She replied, brushing off the seat of her pants.

"Thanks, and it's nice to meet you," I smiled and offered my hand. Before I realized what I'd done she was shaking my hand – hard, my left hand, and I winced as my cuts stung and burned.

"You alright?" JT asked me, searching my eyes for a sign of something being seriously wrong.

"Ah, yeah, I'm fine.," I replied quickly, rubbing my arm. "I, uh, just recently broke that arm and I just got the cast off so it's still a little sore." Wow, did I just lie?

"Sorry," She said quickly, "Well, I'd really like to talk more but I'm going to be late for breakfast in the cafeteria.

"You're going to eat in the cafeteria?!" I exclaimed, surprised. No one around here enjoys the school's breakfast.

"Yeah, you got a problem with that?" She replied haughtily.

"Um, no. I was just heading there myself, actually. Want to go together?" I asked, holding my arm out to her in a playful fashion.

"Definitely," JT smiled, and wrapped her arm around mine. Strange, I thought, she looks a little to happy about this...

Once we arrived in the cafeteria, we both got trays and walked through the line. I was STARVING, and right now, as much as I hate to admit it, I didn't care how much I ate. I grabbed two honeybuns, a biscuit with jelly and butter, two pancakes, assorted fruit and a tall glass of orange juice.

"Wow, a little hungry there aren't you?" JT giggled, looking at my tray.

"Yeah.. just a little," I replied. I felt way more self conscious now that she knows what a total pig I am.

"Here, let's go sit over there," JT pointed to a table with a couple of kids – all dressed in black, sat.

We walked over there and took the two conveniently empty seats at the table. There were two other kids there, both girls, sitting across from us.

"Leigh, DC, this is Claudia. Claudia, this is Leigh and DC," JT explained. The two girls looked me up and down, checking me out I suppose, with skeptical looks on their pale faces, as if they didn't know what to think of me.

"Eh, I'm DC," One of the girls spoke up. She had short, cropped dirty blonde hair and wore a white tank top with pink and black skulls on it and a black skirt. She too, like JT, had tons of eyeliner loaded onto her blue eyes and a dark pink eye shadow powered under her eyebrows. She also had two lip piercings, which oddly looked like snake's fangs.

"And I'm Leigh," The other girl spoke up. She had dark, dark black hair with a couple of pink streaks here and there. She had a huge load of eyeliner on, with a powdery pink eye shadow on and had her eyebrow pierced. She was wearing a black tight fitting short sleeved shirt on with a white skull on the front with black pants on that had numerous chains dangling from them.

"It's nice to meet you," I said and began to eat my breakfast.

We talked a good bit throughout breakfast and finally decided to head off to class.

"Who have you all got for homeroom?" I asked them all before we left, "I got Mr. White,"

"Seriously?" DC asked.

"Really?" JT said at the exact same time.

"We all have him," Leigh said. "I guess we'll walk there together?"

"Yeah, we will, if that's okay," I asked, completely unsure if I could be so bold in front of them.

"It's fine," JT said, laughing.

"Alright then, let's go. We wouldn't want to be _late_," DC said, which made Leigh and JT snicker.

We arrived at homeroom and took seats that were almost completely next to each other. I saw Kristy and Mary Anne looking at me talking to DC, JT, and Leigh, trying to figure out who they were. Before they could come over and figure out what was going on, Mr. White walked in.

"Good morning, class," He said as he took his place in front of his desk. "Let's take roll call. Hmm.. Jessica Teri?"

"It's JT, here," Jt said, raising her hand lazily, "I swear to god, that bastard never gets it right."

I was, by now, getting used to all the swearing they were doing. They all swear, in nearly every sentence they speak, it's swearing. I was used to it, yes, but it still bothered me. I wasn't brought up around that kind of talking and I was never really able to talk like that.

"Dekota Corence?" Mr. White spoke loudly, and DC, who had her seat next to me, raised her hand.

"You can say that again, JT," DC said, obviously annoying with Mr. White calling them by their full names instead of the abbreviations.

Roll call went on and Mr. White announced all the news and we began to leave. As I was walking out with JT, Leigh and DC, Kirsty and Mary Anne walked by me. They gave me, at least Kristy did, an evil glare and I knew I was in for it at the BSC meeting tonight.


	8. animosity

I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Softball has taken over my life. Winter workouts and pitching is taking everything I have, but here's the long awaited chapter. : Oh, and as to where an actual bus stop is at a school I have no idea, because I honestly haven't been to a public school since first grade, and when I went it was on the side of the building. Just a forewarning.

Also, I'm not sure how frequent updates are going to be. I tend to get inspired and then that inspiration just..dies. Most of the time, anyway, but I'll try my best. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to leave a review! (:

Disclaimer: Don't own BSC, Neosporin, or any instant message. I do, however, own DC, JT, Leigh, and Brett.

* * *

Eventually, school let out and I walked out with DC, JT, and Leigh following suit. We walked towards the side of the building where all the other kids were rushing to get on the bus. Through the thick crowd I spotted Kristy, Mary Anne, Stacey, and Dawn waiting for me at our usual spot near the end of the bus. I stopped, thinking over the situation: taking new girls to meet my other friends? Don't get me wrong, DC, JT, and Leigh were awesome, but they weren't exactly the sort of people that my other friends like. Dark makeup, grunge clothes, wacky hair.. I wasn't sure how everyone else was going to take it, but hey, I was already having so many changes that one more couldn't hurt. Right?

As we approached them, Kristy, Mary Anne, Stacey, and Dawn didn't try and hide the way they felt about my new friends; their expressions gave it away. Obviously, JT, DC, and Leigh were too hardcore for them. I tried not to let it bother me too much.. I mean, my friends hadn't been the absolute best lately. I'd fought with Stacey and still hadn't exactly made up with, and I really just haven't been spending time with them much at all, aside from school.

"Hey you guys," I started cautiously, looking at them all. "This is JT, DC, and Leigh. JT, DC, and Leigh, this is Kristy Thomas, Mary Anne Spier, and Dawn Schafer,"

Notice anything weird about that? Right, I didn't mention Stacey. Why should I? She was a spoiled little brat to me, and I wasn't going to apologize to her until she apologized first. So as you already know, that hasn't happened, so I felt no reason to introduce her. To be honest, I wasn't even sure where our friendship was going to go.

"Nice to meet you," Kristy said, holding out her hand.

"Pleasure's mine," JT said, shanking Kristy's hand enthusiastically. Enthusiastically is a word I picked up from Janine, when she was lecturing me about how to do a presentation for one of my classes.

After introductions were over and done with, we climbed onto the crowded bus, straining to find a seat. I finally found one near the back and headed towards it, dropping my backpack down on my lap. JT easily slid in next to me, maybe a little closer than needed, but I didn't let it bother me. She seemed a little tomboyish but she couldn't be THAT way, if you get what I'm saying.

The ride home was a little more.. eventful than I hoped it would be. I could just FEEL Kristy's stare on me the whole way home as I talked to JT. I learned a lot about her, like she has a little brother and an older sister, her favorite band is Nine Inch Nails, and that she's dyed her hair five different colors. The brown was only temporary, she said, since the school wouldn't let her in with hot pink hair.

The bus came to a stop in one of the worst parts of town, and JC, DC, and Leigh got up, heading towards the door.

Before stepping out, JT turned and waved at me. "I'll see you tomorrow, k?"

I nodded and smiled waving back. She smiled and disappeared from view.

Just as I was getting used to having a seat all to myself, no one other than Kristy Thomas placed her flat butt on the seat beside me.

"What in the world was with you and those girls?" Kristy asked, looking at me obviously pissed off.

"What do you mean "what in the world was with you and those girls"?" I asked her. What was wrong with them anyway?

"I mean," Kristy said, turning to face me. "Just look at them. Why were you sitting with them instead of me and everyone else?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Well, Kristy Thomas, I'm sorry if I wanted to be a little more social. I bumped into JT this morning before school and she introduced me to her friends. Big deal," I said, defending them.

Kristy was so surprised by my outburst that she was speechless, but I couldn't care less. Couldn't she see that I couldn't have one group of friends for my whole middle school career?

"And besides, JT, DC and Leigh are awesome. Just because they dress weirder than most people does NOT mean that they're freaks. You don't even know them, and here you are going overboard with me because I found new friends. Well, Kristy Thomas, I'll tell you this: you can go hangout with everyone else tonight, but consider this friendship over. Don't expect me to come to the stupid meeting tonight either, I quit!" I shouted at her, standing up and pushing past her. I walked to the back of the bus and sat down, scooting all the way down to the end to sit by the window. Kids were staring at me, but I didn't care. I thought Kristy was my friend. I didn't know she could be so heartless.

+O+O+O+O+O+O+

I was so mad when I got home that I ran straight past my mom, past Janine in the upstairs hallway and ran into my room, slamming the door behind me. The only thing on my mind was cutting. Where was my razor... I wondered, shuffling through my bedside table. I quickly retrieved in and pulled up my sleeve on my upper arm. There wasn't any room on my forearm and I wasn't about to put the razor up, so I figured I could hide.

I sighed after the first couple of cuts, watching the blood run down my arm. I felt so much better already that even I could barely believe it. I also couldn't believe Kristy. She had no right whatsoever to tell me off the way she did. She didn't even KNOW JT or DC or Leigh! I always thought she was a great person; she was nice most of the time, and while I knew they dressed darker than most people at SMS and had cooler makeup and hair, they weren't weird! I had actually told them about my current problem: the cutting. I felt so comfortable around them it just kind of slipped out of my mouth. They were so understanding; they had all done it one time or another. I felt so accepted and happy that I actually had people who cared about me.. even though I'd only known them for about half an hour. It might have been a mistake.. but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. We were gonna be good friends.. might as well make the best of it.

**_Oh, wow, here you are again,_**

That voice.. the voice. It was back again. I'd completely forgotten about it, and here it was.

_What?_ I asked it. I'm sure the voice wasn't me.. and I didn't have any idea where it could have been coming from.

_**You're pathetic, you know that? You are worth nothing.. aren't you?**_

I froze in mid-cut, staring at the wall and trying to figure out what to say.

_W-what?_

_**That's why you do this.. isn't it? Because you think you are worth nothing. Don't argue with me, you know that I'm right,**_

I shook my head and dropped the razor, blood dripping down onto the carpet in small, scarlet drops.

_No, I AM worth something! I have people who care about me!_

_**Like who?**_

It asked, mockingly. As if I wasn't weird enough already, I was fighting with myself! But.. it was right. Who DID care about me? Besides JT, DC, and Leigh.. my other friends and family never really showed affection towards me.

_**I told you.**_ The voice mocked triumphantly. **_No one cares about you. You are completely and utterly worthless, you hear? Now, you just listen to me and I can make everything better._**

_How can I be so sure of that? I don't even know who you ARE._ I said. It was true, I didn't know who it was.

The voice laughed. A long, cold, bitter laugh.**_ In due time, my dear. Now, go ahead and cut more, it will make you feel better. Promise._**

I didn't have to hear the voice say that for me to start cutting again. I picked up the razor and made several more cuts on my arm, dragging the pain out as much as I could.

_Last one.._ I decided, placing the sharp razor to the top of my arm. I pressed down hard and drug it across, letting out a small cry and dropping the blade. I grasped my arm as hot tears pricked my eyes, shaking as I fell to the floor. That was the deepest cut I had done so far, and it hurt.

I removed my hand and looked at my arm. Blood was smeared over it but I could see that the cut was a deep one; the skin being split apart. You could put the very tip of the razor inside of it, because it was wider than all my other ones.

I stood up shakily, and began removing my clothes. I dropped them to the floor and walked over to my computer chair, picking up my robe that had hung on the back of it and wrapped it around my body. I didn't hear anyone in the hallways but I wasn't going to take a chance and let someone see my arm in the shape it was in. I shuddered at the thought of someone finding out what I did to myself. They wouldn't believe me, if they saw me now..

I opened the door and quickly walked to the bathroom, bringing my Neosporin, gauze and medical tape with me. I shut and locked the door and put my items on the counter. Turning on the water, I let it get slightly warm before placing my hand under it. Gathering a handful of water, I slowly put it on my arm. Red stained water ran down my arm, into the sink and down the drain. The sharp, deep sting struck me so hard the tears I had tried to hold back spilled down my cheeks, dropping into the sink along with the blood.

I finally finished washing my arm off and slowly dabbed at it with a wad of toilet paper, trying to get the bleeding to stop. I picked up the toilet paper and looked at my last cut; it was still bleeding profusely. I needed something to stop the bleeding, unless I wanted to go to the emergency room. My hands were shaking because I was so nervous, and I cried more.

I hated to admit it but I was scared. Scared of having to get stitches, scared of someone maybe finding out, and scared because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding.

**_You got yourself into this, _**The voice said. **_Get yourself out of it, and quit crying. It makes you look even more pathetic._**

I knew the voice was right, but I couldn't help it. I opened the drawers and there, low and behold, was a small tube. What was so special about this tube? It was liquid bandage! Janine must have left this in here when she got that really bad paper cut.

I picked it up and, quickly cleaning up the blood coming out of the cut, and squirted the liquid bandage into the cut. I dropped the tube and held the cut together, taking in a sharp breath of air as the sting intensified.

After one minute, as the tube said to do, I let go of the cut. It stayed together perfectly; the liquid bandage had worked!

I smiled and cleaned up the rest of my cuts, applying the Neosporin on them and wrapped the gauze around it. It was pretty hard to do with only one hand, but I managed to get it tight enough and put a piece of the medical tape on it to hold it in place.

I threw away the garbage and gathered up my things, walking out of the door quietly and re-entered my room, shutting and locking the door behind me. Figuring I couldn't stay in my robe for the rest of the day, I put on a black long sleeved t-shirt with a big red heart in the middle of it and slipped on a pair of red capris on. I still had all my makeup and earrings on, but I just didn't look like myself. I wasn't dressed up enough, but I doubted anyone would notice. It's not like they cared, anyway.

I sighed and walked over to my desk, opening my binder and beginning my homework.

After a half hour of battling with Pre Algebra homework I closed my binder, relieved to be finished with it. Pushing my binder aside, I turned on my computer and let it load. When it loaded up I signed into my messenger, but no one was on, and I was desperate to talk to someone. Of course, I didn't wanna talk to my family and I sure didn't wanna try and make up with my other friends, so I logged into a chatroom. Almost the minute I logged on, an instant message popped up.

**mysteriousgt: **hey  
**mysteriousgt:** asl?

What could it hurt? I thought, adjusting the keyboard and beginning to type.

**artsygurl1324: **hi.  
**artsygurl1324: **13fct.  
**mysteriousgt: **24mct artsygurl1324: wow u live in conneticut 2?  
**mysteriousgt:** yeah what part do u live in?  
**artsygurl1324:** stonybrook u?  
**mysteriousgt:** maybrook. stonybrook is a town rite outside it  
**artsygurl1324: **wow thats kool. iv never met n e 1 on here that lives bye me  
**mysteriousgt: **yea  
** mysteriousgt:** so u a vergin?  
**artsygurl1324:** yah.  
**mysteriousgt: **how far have u gone with a boy  
**artsygurl1324:** iv kissed and ben felt but thats about it  
**mysteriousgt:** but uve never had sex rite?  
**artsygurl1324:** rite. y?  
**mysteriousgt:** u ever been interested in older men.  
**artsygurl1324: **not really but im wiling 2 expiriment (:  
**mysteriousgt: **how bout we get 2 now each other first and we'l see how it goes frum there  
**artsygurl1324: **alrite like wut?  
**mysteriousgt: **what size bra do u wear  
**artsygurl1324: **36a im half asien so im prety small  
**mysteriousgt:** oh so u look asian?  
**artsygurl1324: **mostly yah i sound like an american  
**mysteriousgt: **oh i c  
** mysteriousgt: **do u want a pic of me  
**artsygurl1324: **yah sure

_mysteriousgt wants to send a file to artsygurl1324! Click accept to accept the file transfer.  
artsygurl1324 has received me.pdf_

I hesitantly opening the file, and what I saw surprised me. I saw a tall, dark and handsome man. He had dark curly brown hair and stunning green eyes, his body perfectly muscled. What surprised me was that he wasn't wearing anything; that he was naked. I shivered at the sight, excitedly.

I stopped for a moment, thinking about it. Where had this come from? Why was I so bold with the man? I didn't know him and I was talking to him like he was one of my best friends. I'd never done anything like this in my life.. especially with a stranger. Maybe that was why. Maybe I'd tried to be too perfect and I had never taken chances. Maybe I just needed a release.

_**You can never be too perfect, my dear. **_That stupid voice was back.

I ignored it and began typing.

**artsygurl1324: **wow u have a nice bodi**  
mysteriousgt: **thx. u got a pic?  
**artsygurl1324:** i dont but i can get 1. i can tell u wut i look like tho if u want**  
mysteriousgt: **sure**  
artsygurl1324:** i hav long black hair and big dark brown almond shaped eyes. i hav a perfect complexion n i hav an ok bodi. im trying 2 loose wait tho  
**mysteriousgt:** u sound sexi**  
artsygurl1324:** thx**  
mysteriousgt:** u want 2 try n get 2gether sumtime?

In the middle of my sentence, I stopped typing as I heard a loud knock on my door.

"Claudia? May I come in?" It was Janine.

I closed the window quickly, pulling up my homepage to make it look like I was actually doing something besides talking to that guy.

"Yeah," I replied, turning around in my chair to face her.

She walked towards me and I tried to scoot in front of the computer, so she wouldn't see who I was talking to.

"Who are you chatting with?" Janine asked me, staring right into my eyes.

"Just a friend from school I met today. No one important," I lied quickly.

"All right, I believe you. Mother wanted me to tell you that dinner will be served in exactly-," Janine checked her wrist watch. "Ten minutes, so be down, okay?"

I nodded and she left.I turned around quickly and opened the chat window.

**mysteriousgt: **hellooo.  
**mysteriousgt:** u there?  
**artsygurl1324:** yah srry mi sister came in i g2g tho  
** mysteriousgt:** ttyl sweet cheeks.

I closed the window and signed out. Standing up, I stretched and walked out of my room and down the stairs, into the kitchen and sat down at the table beside Mimi.

"Ah, my Claudia, how was school?" Mimi asked, putting her wrinkled hand on top of mine.

"Pretty boring, as usual," I replied shortly, smiling at her.

No matter how many problems I have, I can always trust Mimi to make me smile. There's just something that's so sweet about her that I just can't resist.

My mom walked over to the table, setting down a steaming pan of lasagna. She looked at me, as if surprised to see me sitting at my own kitchen table.

"Why, hello Claudia. Don't you have a BSC meeting tonight?" She asked me. Duh I did, but since when has she cared what I do?

"Um, yeah, about that.. I kinda quit after I had a fight with Kristy on the bus today," I replied, taking a sip from the cup that was at my place at the table.

"Oh," She replied curtly, walking back over to the counter to get a bowl of salad. "Well, that's too bad, I suppose. If you re not going to be babysitting anymore, maybe you could spend a little more time on your studies,"

I sighed and put the glass back down. "I guess so, mom,"

Dinner passed by quickly and uneventfully. It was quiet, as usual, and no one really spoke. I got away with only eating a couple pieces of lettuce, and then I excused myself. I ran up to the upstairs bathroom and shut the door, locking it in my wake. I collapsed in front of the toilet, stuck my finger down my throat and puked.

I wiped my mouth after I was through and flushed the toilet. I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself.. what had I become?


End file.
